Funny Status Messages

   Deep thoughts by Johnny Quarantine. Minnesota votes to disband police department and go with a community-based public safety program. I’m assuming this community-based public safety program will be comprised of police officers who recently lost their jo

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.

   I bought a World Map...gave my wife a dart and I said to her.."throw this dart and wherever it lands I'll take you there on our next vacation" .. Turns out we are spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!!

   Do to the Coronavirus I have some concert tickets for sale, cheap! concert not included.

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   They say the Ugliest parents make the most beautiful babies .. Damn girl your parents must be Fugly

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? When are they going to start making condoms? asking for a friend.

   Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.

   Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

   Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   You'll never hear the phrase "It's time to separate the men from the boys" in a Catholic church.

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.