Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not for everyone results may vary. Side effects may include splitting side, spastic outbursts, spewing drinks out your nose and extreme awesomeness. Not recommended for people with heart problems or expecting mothers..

   I just want ppl to be honest with me. I mean, the worst thing I could do is drop kick you in your face.

   Dude she has a boyfriend? -Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie ,doesn't mean you can't score ;}

   Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!

   Trying to get someone to agree with your political or religious viewpoint, is as futile as trying to convince a mother that her baby isn't the cutest thing ever.

   I used to wish to have lots of money... since that never happened, I'm settling for a tool that converts Farmville coins to real cash... my cows will do the rest

   There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...

   if gene pool wre like swimmin pool id drain mine & start over with fresh untainted water

   Governments always put all states on high alert after a bomb blast. What a freaking joke... its like putting on a condom after a positive pregnancy test!!!

   So you wonder why I never seem to get any sleep. Well I never go to bed angry. I stay up and plot my revenge. So ask yourself something, do I hate alot of people or is one person really going to get it. Now your wondering if its you.

   it a violation to fart in a non-smoking area?

   as pissed off as being in the express checkout land behind an old laldy, with too many items, using coupons for every item, and with a new clerk calling for a price check.

   When I was a child I would confuse a.m. and p.m. Now that I'm in college its happening all over again.

   Every girl knows that one "B*tch she don't want anywhere close her man.

   Its all fun and games until you realise your Capri Sun has no straw.

   I wake up every morning and thank God I don't look like Rick Ross.

   Everybody got that one friend that can't spell .. you gotta decode all their text messages.

   Who are all these people judging me? They should be arrested for practising law without a degree.

   I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing....

   when will people understand. "i can't hear you while I'm chewing my doritos!"