Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The razor selections are starting to get scary. How many do they think they can add? I bet in 5 years there will be a Gillette Guillotine, one swipe and that's all...

   Ever since my roommate got a new uptight, b!tchy girlfriend he's been acting like a real d!ck to everyone. So one night I took his phone, went on his facebook and checked in at a male strip club, then a gay bar, then a wmca. He's single again.DontBeAd!ck

   hates it when I get a chain letter/email and I die the next day.

   Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.

   Where are all these hot women in actual real life that I see on facebook?

   Love doesn't cost a thing... except tears, a broken heart, wasted time, and half ur sh!t.

   Love doesn't cost a thing; except tears, a broken heart, wasted years and half your stuff.

   This new layout has me more confused than a cow on astroturf.

   Dear Facebook, Every time I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her?" Mind your OWN Business!

   Just watched the movie Scarface. I'm not one to judge, but if you use your entire hand to make the line you might have a drug problem.

   Remember back in the day when you would make a collect call and try to yell the info to the other party before you were disconnected?

   I also read that sex is a form of communication. If that's the case… I'm frequently talking to myself

   Too many people live for compliments, instead of accomplishments.

   Make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it and make your happiness so cheap that people can almost get it free.

   I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

   i still dont know how to use the three seashells....

   u know you have drank to much vodka when you start speaking russian...

   one question: Exactly how long are your parents going to hide your acceptance letter from Hogwarts?

   anybody else ever shave your balls and instantly regret it?

   I could totally be on jeopardy, as an audience member...