Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Overheard a lady saying she won't let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like "jumping in puddles". I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven't blown anyone up with dynamite - yet.

   Alright we got Christmas presents out the way where my W2 at

   How is January this week, next month, &’ next year

   "Who's taking you home on New Years?" State troopers, probably

   Ending my year pregnant! Starting my year pregnant!

   there a sale on stupidity, cause that shi* is everywhere.

   The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

   This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie: “If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

   If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

   Donald’s New Year countdown: 10, 9, 8… wait, is Greenland for sale yet?

   In Canada, we start the New Year with resolutions. Trump starts with delusions.

   Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.

   Dear Eric, Canada isn’t for sale. But feel free to borrow some Canadian snow to cool down your dad’s hot air.

   A Charlie Brown Christmas, but the tree is Eric Trump’s brainchild: flimsy, artificial, and overinflated by Dad’s credit card.

   Donald Trump’s obsession with Canada is like his tanning lotion: unnecessary, over-applied, and a little sad.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.