Funny Status Messages

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

   “I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.

   Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.

   When 50 cent got hungry... 58

   My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   I hope my retirement home has a jam room and decent studio

   Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.

   All these people on my list, and not none of ya talking to me... This is kinda awkward. I feel weird now..

   Maybe 2020 will be like a mullet, all business in the front and we party on the back half of it...

   Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.

   The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛

   The Chicago Bears are changing their name because it offends people who own a pic-a-nic basket and have a friend named Boo Boo.

   Let me get this straight. I should wear a mask, gloves, sunglasses and a hat. That sounds more like a disguise to me

   Judge: "how do you plead?" Me: "your honor I plead oopsie daisies."

   If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.

   Ask any Biden voter exactly why they're voting for him, on what merits, and ask them do it without bringing up Donald Trump. They can't

   I can't really Walk the Walk or Talk the Talk, but if you need someone to Drink the Drink then I'm your guy.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the only kind of positive post we knew was on a car battery.

   Dogs are like unruly kids. The people who live with them love 'em. But they annoy the heII out of the rest of us.