Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Why the f*ck does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh!t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr. 
Its been so windy out today even the water in my toilet was choppy
I was going to go to the Occupy Wall Street movement but I was too busy working.
I've nicknamed my mate 'Blister' - he seems to only show up once the work has been done!
santa was right when he looked at you and said "ho ho ho"
never fish deeper than you can wiggle your worm
The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that is beautiful.- Ron Swanson
Just named my new puppy "EGYPT" cause he left a pyramid in every room.
WILL WORK FOR LIKES!
It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.
Looks catches the eye's, personality seals the deal
Only if people could take the energy they use to assume and use it to search for facts.
Every woman on earth cheats on her man with suitor named Bob. (BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND)
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners when I hand them my plastic cup of vodka.
Beer makes you smart. It made Bud Wiser.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
Sex isn't everything...Unless your not having any...
During sex my wife likes to talk to me. The other night she called me from a hotel.
I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.
My favorite sexual position is "Leaving". 