Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A girl just told me she wants to play House, so I started limping and insulting her.

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!

   Hahahah someone stole Obama's talking truck today in Va . Lets see that great speaker puts two sentences together now .

   I know a million ways to always pick the wrong thing to say! Hey... I'm multi-talented!! I can talk and piss you off at the same time!

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   Pouring the last bowlful of Lucky Charms from its box and finding no marshmallows is like pouring a bowlful of sadness.

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   The entire French language is a choking hazzard.

   With everything going on lately... I've got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!

   As awesome as it would be, sadly the state farm jingle does not work for you unless you are doing a commercial :(

   When you have an enemy mad at you...they will break your bones. But if you have a friend mad at you.... they will break your heart!!

   Trojan just released a new camoflauge condom. Their slogan is, "She'll never see you coming!"

   I quit smoking by switching to sunflower seeds. Cured my smoking habit, but now I have a strange desire to want to sh!t on newspaper...

   My Friend blames my Immaturity for getting him arrested! I'm not Immature! Hehe, Don't Drop the Soap!

   Just found out "Groupons" are just coupons for Grey Poupon. If you try to redeem them for anything else at Walmart you will be arrested.

   What's sad is that December 22, 2012 falls on a Saturday, so you can't go to school and say "Oh, I thought we were all going to die, so I didn't do my homework".

   Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine. I am a mystery wrapped in an engma dusted in florescent - orange fake cheese powder.

   Sometimes girls try too hard for boys that dont even care....its kinda sad...girls nowadays are losing their self-respect...

   Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.