Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you and lied about it, you would be way more pissed than if they just cheated on you, told you, and you could either work it out or break up with them

   You know it's a bad break-up when your ex-girlfriend is posting Taylor Swift lyrics as her facebook status.

   You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.

   The best girlfriend to have is sleep because you'd get some every night.

   To bad DR Doolittle doesn't live in Ohio :(

   In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There's *weather* in here.

   Herman Cain wouldn't like my 69, 69, 69 plan..

   I wasn't feeling right so I went to the doctor. He told me the problem was I was half black. I said, "What should I do?" He told me to eat two watermelons and call him in the morning."

   So Lindsay Lohan has to work in the morgue now, maybe she can look for her career while she's there.

   Some people have the emotional depth of rainfall collected in a thimble at the Sahara Desert.

   @flinnie....apparently you think you are the only one that follows stephen colbert on twitter...your not...be original

   if you give somebody a piece of your mind.....is it a form of self-inflicting cannibalism?

   Why does facebook want me to be anti-social? Every time I get on it automatically signs me into chat as "offline"

   The word "goodnight" makes my 1-yr-old cry, so I've had to rewrite some bedtime stories. "Howdy, Moon!"

   We all spend our lives looking for the weaknesses in each other forgetting that it's our strengths that define who we truly are.

   I've noticed that the number of "likes" for intelligent quotes, exponentially jumps during the hours that Elementary school is in session, and after the 8:30 pm milk and cookies before bed ritual.

   Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things!

   on the tv show "cheers" they claim its the place "where everybody knows your name"...i don't think they sold many beers at the bar if they could recall names

   I have a friend with one eye. He's pretty cool about it. Instead of “:D” he sends “.D”

   Instead of "Whats on your mind" it should say " What's the reason for the meltdown today" .