Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.

   Screw it, I'm answering any and all questions today with "As you wish".

   Heading to Wal-Mart to put my holiday sweatpants on layaway. Anyone need a BB gun or a bucket full of awesome?

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   We need to employ ninja doctors to do vasectomies secretly to stop dipsh!ts from breeding.

   I heard you were voted "Most likely to suck seed."

   Bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"

   If you think you have me figured out, that's hilarious because I don't even have myself figured out.

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

   I'm going to learn how to make balloon animals. just in case an emergency situation calls for the most annoying sound in the universe.

   "I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I will merely imprision anyone who logs into it." ~ Muammar Gaddafi (people are serious you f**k with thie FB you die)

   Serving Size: Serves six adults or one ten year old.

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   There should be three options for facebook posts. "Like", "Dislike", and "Yep, I'm In The 95 Percentile That Doesn't Get It".

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   Can someone let Zanesville, OH know they still have 1 wild animal on the loose!! I think they call him Barack Obama........

   I'm damaged but I'll manage.

   Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

   If gay people are fruity, then straight people are veggies and bisexuals are tomatoes.