Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Fergie's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Fergie: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   I dont ever wanna be known as a snitch, so if I ever say " Okie Dokie Artichokie" it means I'm wearing a wire

   MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!

   Nothing is more humbling than blocking someone then doing the friend request of shame

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.

   When I was younger I use to slide bak and forth in the bathtub to make waves

   We alll have that one friend that just listens when you need to vent.. Lucky for me it happens to be my girlfriend :)

   I was gonna get something done... Then I logged in

   If I don't have any drama... Can I still have a Facebook

   Pizza... It's what's for Breakfast

   Work fascinates me...I could sit and watch someone do it for hours!!!

   I can't decide if I'm in the right place at the wrong time or the wrong place at the right time.

   you're cool and I'm hot, we should meet in the middle and stay warm...

   Am I the only one who has their life flash before their eyes when they sit on a cold toilet seat

   I need a new, non-fatal to flamingos way to deal with stress.

   All answers questioned here.

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   So the house used to film the Jersey Shore is now for rent. Can you imagine what you would see if you went thru there with a UV light? Yes, that's right.... hair gel EVERYWHERE.

   I would love to meet "Wasn't me" and "I didn't do it". They need to be grounded or spanked for causing a lot of trouble here.