Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone picks their nose at some point, it's what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.

   What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? The fear of not making it home.

   If my coworker is getting beat up, better believe I'm jumping in to help. Because I ain't covering anybody's shift.

   Remember when we had to smack the TV because it wasn't working right? I feel that way about some people.

   Snow is merely rain, rain that doesn't go away. It hangs around for days and days.

   You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

   The "impending snowstorm" is just a conspiracy by Big Weather to get you to buy more milk, bread, and toilet paper.

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   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

   Just had a triple chocolate Belgian waffle with toffee sauce, fudge piece and whipped cream BUT no sprinkles....Dieting is hard !

   There are two genders: One goes to a gynecologist and the other goes to an urologist. All the others need a pyschologist.

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause...

   Just saw a 400 pound man holding a sign, "Will work for Food" I wanted to scream out "You need to take a vacation!"

   If ever you feel angry toward someone, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

   When I was a kid the guy across the street from us was in the Mob,really nice guy too,every morning he would pay me $10 just to start his car for him.

   This Just In: Jimmy Carter to skip Trump Inauguration.

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   Jimmy Carter attributes peanuts, rampant inflation, and his Brother Billy kicking the bucket in being instrumental in his reaching 100 years of age.

   Diego Rincon is now morongon.