Funny Status Messages

   My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

   As we grow older, gravity becomes more and more evident. Things begin sagging, drooping and bouncing. It's still better than the alternative. No, I don't mean death. I mean f@t going up.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   Maybe the1 million dollars in gofundme for Jacob Blake should be given to the 14 year old girl he raped instead.

   Stay tuned for Cardi B's next big hit: "MIPWYTTSI"... (My Itchy Pu$$y Wants Your Tongue To Scratch It.)

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool

   The Dems want everyone to vote by mail but Pelosi just called Congress back to DC so they could vote...

   I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   I started wearing a mask before everyone started doing it, but then again I've always been a trendsetter like that.

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   Looking for a new spicy potato chip? -Hot Pringles in your area

   On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience