Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The sinking of the Titanic was tragic. At least we're doing everything we can to make sure something similar never happens again today by melting all icebergs. 
I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.
My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together
This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.
When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Silence is golden. If you do not agree with something that I post on my page, I would advise you to keep your opinion to yourself than try and confront me on my own turf otherwise I will embarrass you.
They say " you can attract more bees with honey, rather than vinegar." Why the crap do I want more bees around me?
Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....
when its someones birthday on fb you go to their page and copy n paste a happy birthday.
Steel toe boots: Check! Flack jacket: Check! Metal baton: Check! Helmet with face shield: Check! OK....I think I am ready to go to the grocery store now and shop for the Thanksgiving meal. :)
never on schedule because I don't live my life by the times others sets.
Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!
New gay sitcom: "Leave it, it's beaver."
How do Mexicans take a family portrait?They all jam into the front seat and run a red light.
I just noticed that giving the Kirby vacuum salesman a pot brownie made the price of the unit much more negotiable! ツ
Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby. The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."
How fat was she?She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.
Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits 