Funny Status Messages
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Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage? 
can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Look. If you've cornholed one chubby mama, you've cornholed them all.
Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.
Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.
"Keep your nose out of my business" as a whole new meaning towards people who can't keep their nose in their masks.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
May your coffee kick in before reality does.
My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
People who make their cars come to a complete halt on top of a railroad tracks to look both ways to see if a train is coming need to stop!....I mean go!
Joe B. to wife: I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.
You know 2020 is laughing at you when it tells you that Stormy Daniels collected more money from Trump, in 2016, than the IRS. 