Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are some words you can't just take back, no matter how sorry you say you are.

   i'd like to see things your way but i'm not sure I can stick my head that far up my ass

   war doesn't determine who's right . . . war determines who's left . . .

   I don't understand how awareness campaigns are helpful for things everyone in the world is already aware of.

   People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

   If you are asking me for directions in Spanish, you are likely to get lost in translation.

   "Yep, I definitely have Herpes." -least stolen Facebook Status update, probably.

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving is stuffing the turkey. By turkey I mean the hot cashier at the grocery store.

   I don't think I'll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news.

   Congrats on your move out to LA. Now your chances of becoming a big star are only 1:9,575,972,204,712.

   That uneasy moment when you work at Subway and have to make a girl a sandwich.

   "We... did... start the fire..." - Billy Joel on his deathbed

   zombies can't smell vampires...

   If going down on one knee is called Tebowing, then I guess dropping your pants and bending over is called being a US citizen!

   Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.

   4:55 am. Just got back from sneaking into all of your bedrooms and putting your hands in bowls of lukewarm water.

   I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.

   To the person hacking up a lung in the cube next to me, will you do us all a favor and die already.

   Before I get to my status update I just wanted to say I really can't stand people who think they are so perfect. The world doesn't revolve around you! Now on to my status, I can't believe how awesome I am. Who knew somebody could be so perfect!

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had