Funny Status Messages

   Why are armed citizens standing guard over their property called vigilantes but rioting anarchists called peaceful protesters?

   We used to hang lace panties on our rear view mirrors, now it's face masks. Men what have we become :P

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   Amber Alert, but for the TV remote

   Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing

   My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny

   No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if I'm swallowing them whole

   To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

   My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   Fact Checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out.

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.