Funny Status Messages

   I think we all know a girl that pretends that she wants to hang out, and then when you try to set something up, there's always an excuse. "Where were you tonight?" "Sorry, I had an emergency hair appointment!"

   Thanks to ads all over sites, I now have 32 iPhones, 100,000,000$ and three dates tonight!

   I'm spending the evening playing Strip I-Spy with a Filipino lumberjack, a lap dancer with one eye and a transvestite called Betty. Just a usual Thursday evening really.....

   Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

   Why are you sending this chain mail to me? I'm dead from the last one you sent.

   Why does Obama give his speeches behind bulletproof glass? Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody/

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Instead of playing hard to get, play hard to forget.

   New rule: if you're watching tv and have no idea what the f*ck is going on, it's a car commercial.

   I am not really scared that the world will end on 12/21/2012...I"m just scared of what crazy things people will do on that day.

   I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."

   The Black Eyed Peas are to music what actual black-eyed peas are to music

   I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.

   Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of big regret and big hangover for Sunday.

   Dad: Do you drink...? Son: Are you asking me? OR...are you offering me?

   Those girls, fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man

   Do you think Ken ever got mad because Barbie's knees don't bend?

   I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.

   Jamaican GPS' would be soo great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo." The other cow replies,'Shut the f*ck up you uneducated twat'',