Funny Status Messages

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   Some of you are absolute retards who need to get out of those little minds of yours.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors house and now they are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram......:/

   When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over.

   just saw an over-ally fat man enter a smart car, and I could of sworn I heard the engine scream for help!

   »»──────► To the knee!

   facebook ruined it, whatever happen to actually telling people how you feel?! Nowadays you can just hide behind your status...

   12 Days FB gave to me... 12 Chicks I'm blocking... 11 friends just watching... 10 corny topics.... 9 busted barbies... 8 friends complaining... 7 stalkers stalking... 6 party invites... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeen

   A little girl asked her mom "Mom, are we getting pet lizard?" "Why?" the mom asked. "Cause I heard dad say he had reptile dysfunction."

   Hey ladies that still wear one-piece bathing suits: Nope.

   Breaking News: A woman with a suspicious looking cold sore on her lip just tried to kiss me on the cheek. Don't worry, I am okay. I stiff armed her!