Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't received one single greetings card from an Ethiopian . . . . . Do they know its Christmas???

   You should have told me that your love has an expiration date.

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen floozies.

   A new day doesn't officially start until you take a shower.

   Girls; Real men look for women who are mature, and know what they want in life; Players will take you either way.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   PICK UP LINE: "Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie about that part?"

   You realize 30 years from now some idiot actress is going to be talking about the "challenge of portraying an icon like Kim Kardashian".

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)

   Now only if my real life friends could learn to be as cool and funny as my Facebook friends, then I wouldn't have a reason to be on Facebook.

   I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it's written in english.

   Whoever says laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard of a great joke while suffering diarrhoea

   swearing to myself at an elderly lady driving really slow. I guess someone heard me because within seconds bird crap landed on my windshield. Won't happen again, big guy

   If at first you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   it took me 8 months to teach thee tubby one to say row

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, now there is A dell rolling in the deep :)

   If you are not at the table, you are probably on the menu.