Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.

   I ope guys who sag their pants thinking those got SWAG, know that SWAG stands for Sex With Another Guy.

   The festive hustle and bustle of the holiday season sure does bring out the best in no one.

   I am living proof that the Internet can be used to deceive people (I've been dead for two years).

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   Santa must think my name is Cole.......

   Mediocre sex will definitely get you cheated on.

   One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.

   Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.

   Son: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Dad: "Ask your sister." Son: "But I don't have a..."

   Don't let someone build you, because they will have the power to destroy you whenever they want.

   Don't act like you never waddled across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.

   I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   I never wake up before my alarm clock goes off. Not because I'm lazy and like to sleep in, its because I don't want it feeling insignificant.

   Christmas: The only time of year when your credit card company calls you and says "Thank you!"...