Funny Status Messages

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.

   I need to stop reading into things like the song "You're So Vain", probably isn't about me and just becuase she thinks you're funny doesn't mean anything but that.

   WARNING: Life portrayed on Facebook maybe more screwed up than it appears.

   Not all men are dogs...most of them are puppies.

   217. I hate it when you go out on a date with a girl and she asks to hold her purse and it doesn't match your shoes.

   Women want solutions. Men don't want problems.

   Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook.

   HER: "You are like my umbrella" HIM: "Because I protect you?" HER: "No, because you don't get me wet."

   It saddens me to think about all the deserving people who will go without a b!tch slap today.

   Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river

   Let's call it erection day, since all we're doing is voting for a bunch of d!cks.

   You win man.....your b!tch is bad....and so is her credit.

   B!tch please! The only reason I sent you a friend request is because I want to see for myself if you are as slutty as your profile pic insinuate.