Funny Status Messages

   No heterosexual man should text another man more than 5 times in 1 day unless its about money.

   I dont talk to strangers, but I will stare and judge like I know them. Thanks for that skill grandma

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   Global warming sucks but I'm kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.

   Russel Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry... I wonder if she kissed a girl and he didnt like it.

   I always keep a backup in case these hos wanna act up!

   A snake is a snake, no matter how many times it sheds its skin!

   "Most of my friends are guys" means you have a line of dudes who are clandestinely trying to bone you.

   If you got me an Ed Hardy shirt for Christmas, don't worry about a gift receipt...I'll get more X-mas joy out of burning it.

   HAPPY NEW BEER!!!

   I hate when I see the skinniest people at the gym, Why are you there, YOU WON ALREADY!

   its about to be 2012: if you miss someone because they have passed away and in heaven , click like or type in their name..

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look"

   Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.

   Because you quit carrying stuff we would buy. Also See 2a & 2b. Examples: K-Mart & Sears 3.) Some of us cannot afford said basket.

   I heard an Old Guy exclaim, "This Country is going to H_LL in a Hand Basket !!!" I have to disagree !!! 1.) Can this Country Afford to Purchase a Hand Basket? 2.) If you go to the store they don't have them for sale.

   Feeling self conscious? Just watch me "walk" on stairs! My bad knees makes newborn giraffes look like ballerinas.

   New Years Resolution eat & Drink Healthy..................Weed & Vodka = Greens &Potatoes

   As much as I get poked, you think I'd be FB pregant by now.