Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shake and shake the ketchup bottle; None will come, and then a lot'll.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you?

   The only people who don't want the Redkins to go back to being called the Redskins are ghey sissies who don't watch the game in the first place.

   I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

   Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

   Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

   Look at that, one day into office and Trump ended Global Warming

   I just had a cop knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

   In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want wait in line for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

   Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…

   I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

   I'm very busy today. So if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me, that would be great. Thanks!

   So long DEI. So long fruit pickers. Thank you, 47.

   Some days I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days I realize it's not just some days.

   Drama Drama.

   The reason why I talk in my sleep is because my wife doesn't give me a chance when I'm awake.

   The Inauguration attendees look they just got back from a Sunday morning Presbyterian Church service.

   I let a lot of stuff slide cause prison don't serve the food I like.

   Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.

   Trump’s use of executive order to reinstate TikTok is nothing less than an abuse of power. Executive orders should be used judiciously.