Funny Status Messages
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If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll. 
The really great thing about working in the concert business is there is absolutely no way to prove that the weed smell is coming from me.
If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example
Just wrote "calculator" on a boob.
Patriots by 7. This is my pick for the Superbowl. And for any future U.S. revolutionary wars.
It's funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishment.
By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks shes wrong.
to love or not to love....theres no question :-)
Part-time christians are out in full force being a Sunday and all.
What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo
This just looks cool - me standing in the club with a cup that has NO ALCOHOL ON IT!
(Q): What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. (A): Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.
Being a ugly woman is like being a man- you're going to have to work.
Kangaroos cant hop backwards.... it's not very funny, but you learned something! I don't care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that!
The Blind side- Letting people know that kidnapping is profitable
I love tattoos- every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh were my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished.
Did Chris Brown really beat rihanna, or did rihanna get to close when Chris was dancing? I dunno I wasn't there.
I fold and hang clothes all day at work...then on my day off I have to do laundry...now I know what a prostitute feels like coming home to her man
I've stopped trying to fight my inner demons. We're all on the same side now. 