Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   Saw the new commercial again and I wont lie, I like that new brown M&M character. Now we know what it would look like if Urkel and Precious had a baby together

   I wish people would stop only talking about Jesus and just start acting like him.

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.

   I saved a bunch of money on Valentines Day by switching to single.

   Sign seen at Bank window: "We don't mind you talking on your cell phone as long as you don't mind us IGNORING YOU! Thank you so much!"

   Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception

   Women may not hit harder.....but they can hit lower

   Attitude like a underwear , don't show it , just wear it.

   Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it

   that sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching a awesome movie :(

   The one time I wish my phone would cut off a day before Valentine's Day, Sprint decides to call me and give me an extra 7 days to make a payment..........(-_-)yeesh

   only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.

   The difference between intelligence & wisdom is simple. An intelligent person knows what to say. A wise person knows IF& WHEN to say it.

   figured out the answer to the question, "Why does my dog like to put his head out the car window and he doesn't like when I blow in his face?" Answer: Halitosis!

   The girl said we were not spending enough time together, so we went to a movie,, she dragged me to Twilight,,, breakup T- minus one hour twenty three minutes!!

   Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

   Instead of Valentine's Day we should change it to Forever Alone Day

   I hate it when they call you from someone else's phone And you answered it

   Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.