Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentines

   Have you hugged an imbecile today? Me neither. Come here.

   Where is your hug? Over there by the deodorant!

   Canada is now offering assisted suicide. Don't worry about keeping your purchase receipt; even if you're dissatisfied with the outcome, you can't return.

   If you’re ever wondering who your real friends are on Facebook, delete your account and see who calls…..

   I just saw my shadow. That means six more weeks of salads. 🥗

   Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.

   I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.

   The Philadelphia plane crash is a sign that the Eagles are going down in flames at the Super Bowl.

   Regarding the recent helicopter/airplane crash, I submit to you this: Flying is for the birds.

   Someone threw a jar of Mayonnaise at me! I was like, What the Hellman!?

   I used to care what people thought of me until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.

   I'm not as mean as I could be. And I want people to be more grateful for that.

   We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.

   With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played

   being insane should at least burn calories

   The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

   If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.

   I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards. He said not now.

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.