GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Look guys! I know I've been bad. I've said and posted things many of you have found to be unfavorable. However, with your help and a little bit of encouragement, I can become so much worse.

   I think my neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love. Unless of course you're in prison.

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she's not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a great catch!

   Today I was told the world doesn't revolve around me. I think it could if some people would try harder.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   I'm gonna bake Valentine's Day cupcakes for a special someone today. That special someone is me.

   To all my friends who are committed: Happy Valentine's Day! And to all my friends who are single: Happy Independence Day!

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now.

   Step 1: Go to a drive through. Step 2: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me"? Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."