Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by. 
Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!
Dear pretty girls in my classes, You have significantly improved my attendance. Keep doing what you do. Much love, The brunette guy you keep catching staring at you.
Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder" That shut em up
Valentines Day is almost here! I still can't find my handcuffs and whip!!
A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service? You play damn games.
Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”
Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one
Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing all the time.
How can the world end in 2012, if I have a can of corn that expires in 2013?
How much face would a facebook book if a facebook could book face?
if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.
Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.
come up with a new drink: Nyquil on the rocks. It's for when you feel sick but still want to be social.
An optimist is the dude who yells out "Wet t-shirt contest!" during the sinking of the Titanic.
Now Taking Applications For A VALENTINE. APPLY BELOW
If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!
facebook needs to add "still bangin my ex" as a relationship status option
I wanted to send you something Romantic for Valentines, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox. 