Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even if you try and slip it in, they still know it's coming

   My boss just said can you come in my office. It turns out we meant different things

   it bad that everytime I see a blind person and their dog I want to honk like I'm about to hit them and see what they do?

   Since when does "I'm wanking" sound like "come in"

   Shakira attacked by a Sea Lion.. early reports show that it could attack again whenever, wherever

   This traffic cop obviously has not heard that 60 is the new 30...

   I wish folks would stop these Passive Aggressive attempts at trying to guilt us into advancing their religious, social, or political causes by ending the posts with, "Let's see how many of my true friends will post this." PI$$ OFF!

   I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open

   Congrats Whitney!! 3 days sober!!

   Welp ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.

   Get ready for a repeat of Michael Jackson's case ... Investigators are trying to go after the doctors who wrote Whitney Houston's prescriptions....

   Yesterday for valentine's day I got six numbers, one more and I'd have a complete phone number... Maybe next year.

   February 15th. The Black Friday for Chocoholics.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons

   nothing says "I put absolutely no thought into this" than a dozen roses on Valentine's Day.

   My inflate a date wasnt so bad....I didnt have to cuddle.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up

   It's Valentine's day. Tell us about how lonely you are, we all care so much!