Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear radio stations, You do know there are more than 5 songs in the world, right? Sincerly annoyed listeners.

   Life is s( o )( o ) much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $20. Guess who got their homework done. ;)

   I don't know what Squidward's problem is. I would love to live next to SpongeBob!

   What if were all dead and this is our hell?

   going to celebrate President's day by chopping down a cherry tree to make Lincoln Logs.

   Am I the only one that finds it ironic that only one company is allowed to make the game Monopoly...

   Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   Yes I would like to receive special offers via e-mail. That way I can forward them to my friends and piss them off.

   If a resturant describes any off its food items as "Our world famous....", it isn't.

   Ladies: You know by saying you want a man who is good in bed implies that you are also good in bed right??

   My Dr, told me you are what you eat. I need to eat a skinny person.

   called your boyfriend gay, and he marked up my car with lipstick.

   Your face isn't a coloring book. Chill on the makeup!!

   Family Rule: Always give the first pancake to the person you dislike the most in your household.

   getting a tat of your kids faces is a great idea, as you get saggy and wrinkly it creates a free age progression for them

   just opened my chinese take out box and a cat jumped out, I guess the airholes should've tipped me off.

   whenever I want to stop an aggressive salesman, I just interrupt his spiel and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.

   Future old age homes are gonna love the nipple rings . so handy to lift them up and change the sheets