Funny Status Messages

   "I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said

   There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...

   I gave my kid a happy meal, but it's not working,

   Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.

   Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

   There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   Driving in snow is alot like going down on a girl...Just go slow and watch out for the a55hole behind you...

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

   my ex was so fat she used to but her belt on with a boomerrang

   hey ladies, fallin' head over heels in love only happens in your 20's.. After that the best you can hope for is heels over head

   With pants sagging as low as yours, what do you plan on doing if you suddenly get into a brawl? Cuz I'm going to pants the sh** outta you and run!!!!

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”

   Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   asked my sister inlaw were is my nephew she says my brothers nutsack. lol

   why doesnt a car dealer run for office? they lie & cheat the ppl to get our money already

   I'm going to start putting girls in the friendzone.. See how they like it!