Funny Status Messages

   ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

   If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

   If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   Tryna see how I’m finna split 8$ between 17 people for Christmas 🥴..

   I've done the calculations. So far this year I've saved just short of $3600 from not having to buy Movie theatre Popcorn. I hope they don't have to raise the prices in 2021.

   Choked eating peach cobbler today, nipples got hard. Worried about myself.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I hope Mariah Carey getting some good rest today cause it’s game time at midnight.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   Once you mine you ain't leaving, welcome to death row

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster