Funny Status Messages

   B: "I'm so mad at you." Me: "Why? I've only been awake 15 seconds." B: "A girl in my dream was flirting with you!" Me: "I'm sorry that a fictional girl flirted with me. Was she blonde? I like blondes." B: "You should give up talking for lent."

   If 40 is the new 20, does that mean 20 is the new 10, and if so, do I need to delete these photos off my phone?

   If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

   Right about now, Billy Crystal is waking up totally nude in a huge champagne glass somewhere.

   Today's the 5th anniversary of my joining Facebook . Also the 5th anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book..

   Hold up Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) where is my mutha fucckin sauce for my Mc. Nuggets!

   In other news, we don't give a damn Dave!

   Shoutout 2 all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn.

   My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display like a museum.

   Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.

   All old ladies will answer to the name "Bev." Try it out if you don't believe me.

   Sleeping with someone for the first time is like the new girl in the office making your coffee for the first time.You're never sure if they're going to do it like you like it

   The first time a man sees a woman naked is like a child seeing a present on Christmas morning.

   I've never had a problem with drugs. But I've had problems with the police because of drugs.

   On a scale from 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?

   I love a woman in heels. But please don't wear a bunch of Bangles too. You just sound like an angry Samurai chasing me on a horse.

   I hope Floyd Mayweather wins the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of a boxer wanting to fight Manny Pacquiao.

   The extra muscles it takes to smile after losing an Oscar is such a workout it keeps the actors thin for the whole next year!

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.