Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look at it this way. Swift can now go back to doing what she does best... indoctrinating little 9 year old girls into becoming future man-haters.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now.

   Kendrick Lamar best new country artist

   Step 1: Go to a drive through. Step 2: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me"? Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   So, USAID gave Egypt $6million to develop tourism. It's obviously a pyramid scheme.

   For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics

   On average, every person in the world has one testicle.

   Elon Musk is out of control. And we love it.

   I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

   A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.

   Whenever I feel down, I remember I have a roll of Lifesavers and pineapple is next.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   I got a Valentine's Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   With the price of eggs this year, we're not dying eggs for Easter. We're dying Cheerios.

   We got a new 12 pack of large eggs. Looking to trade for 2022 or newer Range Rover with low miles. DM for pics of the eggs.

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".

   Taco Bell does a better job of making Mexican food that Beyoncé does making country music.

   I no longer wanna see heroes walking away from explosions but instead I wanna see them exit a helicopter without ducking.