Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there's so much sexual tension in my apartment right now... I'm so tired of living alone.

   In our "family" NCAA Final Four Challenge, my 9 year old has won the last 2 years. Is it wrong that I just copied her bracket right after she went to bed?

   Don't you hate it when you call someone for ransom and they are rude and hang up on you? Dude, you just made me waste this quarter on this pay phone.

   Whenever my EX shows up in my Facebook feed, I think "I am so glad you're the one that got away."

   I'm fine" -All pissed off girls

   You know you're married when you find her sexier with clothes on.

   It's not that I need to manage my anger, it's that other people need to manage their stupidity.

   Fwd: Me being on top of your newsfeed all the time is like me being on top of the world. Yeah I said that. :)

   Occasionally I look up from my iPhone and have no idea where I'm at.

   Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean he's gay.

   I am fat because of those stupid starving kids in China.

   if you are texting from your apple device.... just so you know when you hit send it's routed to a sweatshop in China, then retyped and sent out again.

   feeling a little under the weather...I wonder if there is anything on TV tomorrow if I have to miss work

   ...If you look at LIFE like a piano - where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness.. As life goes on, you realize the black keys make the music too...(",)

   Encyclopaedia Britanica is going out of print after 244 yrs & I know that for a fact cos I read it on the Internet.

   The key to staying relevant? Don't die.

   I have no idea, buy I'm craving Pi like crazy today!

   Happy March 14, Steak and BJ day. Thanks Tom Birdsey!!!

   Your mumma's so fat when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn't want

   Sometimes I wish I was like my calendar, it always has dates.