Funny Status Messages

   chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

   I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.

   My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo

   I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.

   Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.

   I can't wait for Biden's tell-all book to come out. It's titled "You know, the thing.."

   yeah, a dab will do. or what ever fred flinstone said

   Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

   When I said "I'd hit that" I meant with my car.

   Yesterday a Dwarf Psychic escaped from jail, Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large

   The higher the crime rate in an area the better the chicken wings

   Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!

   Be kind to the people wearing masks while driving who might be the people delivering your food.

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   Not to panic anyone, but Mad Max took place in the year 2021.

   Remember: Wearing a mask when driving a car by yourself is only helpful if you stole the car.

   [inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream”

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.