Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im in the jehovah witness protection program

   Jehovah's Witnesses? Please, come on in. Yes, I would LOVE to listen, but first let's talk about MY religion. Let me get the blowtorch.

   Would LOVEE a donut right now, and I'm not a cop.......?

   The difference between men and women? women dont draw √aginas on each others foreheads after a night of drinking

   Wishes there were Piggly Wigglys in my state just so I could keep saying piggly wiggly

   Putting a garden in your backyard to hide the spot where grass wont grow may not be the best idea ever

   caterpillars, all kids first pet. At least for 5 mins.

   Mecurochrome, the mercury our moms put on our cuts with a plastic stick..we had two choices, like it or lump it. We liked it

   Obama should use enhanced interrogation techniques on Newt to find out where the secret "bring the price of gas down to $2.50/gallon" lever is.

   Gas prices are about $4.95 a gallon and females still think a guy is coming over to just "Chill"

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude you made your girlfriend a sandwich."

   Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

   better to be slapped by the truth than kissed with a lie

   Tattoos are not trashy, the people who wear them can be though...

   personal security/ bodyguard is just a paid stalker

   Fuzzy navel is supposed to describe a drink, not your dates belly

   X-Box Kinect - Just one more thing people in wheelchairs can't enjoy.

   I've just been diagnosed with a tumor. I was horrified at first, but it's starting to grow on me.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was messed up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   "We Found Love in a Swollen Face" by Rihanna ft. Chris Brown