Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to arrange an eating contest between Rosie, Oprah and Trump....wagering available in Vegas. Place your bets early

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   condolences to Demi Moore a year ago she lost custody of Ashton Kutcher.jg

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.

   I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   Right now I'm just eating oatmeal and then after that I don't know what. I am a man without limits. Also not wearing pants.

   If anyone needs me I'll be over on Facebook telling people their babies look atrocious.

   went to a sorority house party, passed out and woke up with ovaries on my cheeks and a gaping √agina on my nose...it would have been funnier if they had just drawn something

   gas prices still rising...back to horses...history repeats itself, Hellloooo Wild West

   Just saw a scab in front of my workplace, should I pick it

   Bought my kid a giant backpack painted like a turtle shell, it even comes with a hoodie in case they feel shy

   I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.

   chutes and ladders prepared me for lifes disappointments. They should have called it..Your jobs gonna suck

   Oprah named her channel OWN cuz she wants to own people like slaves

   Everytime I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside

   Anyone know aspertame was made first as a ant poison? really..google it

   I stEverytime a kid shows me a picture or play dough sculpture, I have to do a better one. Not so proud now, are ya?

   That little heart attack you get when your dog barely touches your foot and you picture a 2 lb spider before you actually look