Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my opinion, McDonalds cant serve breakfast all day because neither a 14 or a 70 yr old can see the difference between a hamburger and sausage patty

   Bikini season...lets use some good judgement, if you cant see the top of your bikini bottom without squirmin....dont wear it

   Fellaz: Commenting on and liking every other half-naked girl's Facebook picture makes you look damn thirsty! Have some dignity or buy some.

   Dude, She just called you deaf.... "What?", She just called you deaf, "What?" SHE CALLED YOU DEAF, "Oh hell no my names not Beth.

   Photoshop CS6 Beta has just been released, I know all the ugly people just excited.

   missing the days when Facebook status updates had to begin with "is"

   The only difference between fear & excitement is your mind-set… Fear says, “Oh no! Excitement says, Oh WOW!

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   A PIRATE'S TOAST: May your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced, and your compass be true.

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"

   Hey Janet Lehman, how about I send you MY program for free? It's called a BELT!! You're welcome

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.

   The hookers in NY are now offering a "Tebow" special. For an extra $50, you get to experience a second coming.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.

   If you don't know what you want, you will end up with a lot of sh!t you don't want.

   Hi remember me? I'm the guy you never bothered to say goodbye to you self-conceited b!tch. .

   Somewhere In A Ghetto Household A 4 year old is "droppin it" like its hot while the family is clappin & yellin "Go SHANIQUA! Work it girl!"

   I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up.

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   True Story-apparently Iraq has there own version of Punk'd called "Put Him in Bucca" where fake bombs were planted in celebrities cars and they were threatened with death and prison.