Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   "Get off your high horse!" - Veterinarian who prescribed medical marijuana.

   Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a women asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ

   If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

   Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power

   I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

   Next time a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It's dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   I don't mean to seem culturally insensitive but I'm not buying Chris Brown's story that he's one-eighth Slapaho Indian.

   Quick, how can you unmeet someone?

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   Doing the Chipotle cleanse.

   I'm glad we can't smell each other through the internet.

   Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.

   The new Ipad gets all hot and bothered in your lap...Ladies- take notes:)

   The only "B" word you should call a women is beautiful. B*tches love to be called beautiful