Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.

   I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."

   The closest friends are the ones that know too much.

   What if , one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that you're whole life was just a dream.

   Just nailed the "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.." part on Hotel California.....don't judge

   opening anything with "hey ladies..." makes it easy for people to identify you as a douche.

   I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills.

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   Considering I'm sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you may want to chose someone else to take advice from today, guys.

   For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.

   Just got back from watching that movie The Hunger Games. Was very disappointed. Turns out it's NOT Ethiopia's version of the Olympics.

   Just to be on the safe side, people should probably stop wearing hoodies, and also be white.

   thinks my three “uh huhs” in a row should prove that I haven't heard a word you said!

   When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?!?”

   Facebook: where pushing like to everyone's 'happy birthday' wish is a thank you.

   Apparently Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice.....

   The criminals on Scooby Doo suck! A bunch of teenage stoners and a DOG just solved your crime. I think you need a new line of work my friend

   If women are SOOOOOOOO good at muti-tasking, why cant they have sex and a headache at the same time?

   Think befor you speak, Google befor you post !

   Adele wrote the last chapter in my life. I believe I will have Katy Perry write the next !