Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us! 
Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.
Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels....
I don't want a cow, I just wanna drink the milk.
US soldier accused of Kiling 16 Afghans ....Well damn bring these troops home...they're stressed the fu*k out!
When I die, I want my ashes scattered in front of the TV.
"You must be out yo damn mind" = your behavior is very unorthodox and very contradictory towards my wishes
"A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert
You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.
Dear Karma, There seems to be a serious issue with your records keeping software. Please work on that... and I expect a full refund.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes a lot faster when you get close to the end.
With the larger amount of stupid people I get to deal with on a daily basis, I thought lobotomies came back in style .
Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers
I have inside jokes with complete strangers....
Some people are worth holding on to. Some people are worth letting go. Most people are just a waste of space.
The best things to laugh at are the things deep down we know we shouldn't be........
Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy.
Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street.
I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis.
I got the moves like Jagger! I got the moves like Jagger! I got the...oh, here's the bathroom. 