Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.

   Saw a fat girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism.

   As far as Miss Universe Canada is concerned, it seems the "Miss" part of the competition has to start at birth...

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.

   Keep your head up and smile in the face of your enemies cause they hate to see you shine....and they'll do anything to see you rust.

   I spent the afternoon scanning profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   Ya you and 103 other creepers like that photo too!!!

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it. 

   I called Siri a bitch for messing up my request and my phone automatically started dialing my ex.

   I'm the kind of person who drinks hot chocolate and cappuccino in 90-degree weather and eats ice cream and drink ice slushies in 10-degree weather.

   Rihanna should date Lebron... he never beats anyone.

   Julian Assange(Wikileaks) gives private info. on corporations to you for free and he's the villain. Mark Zuckerberg gives your private info. to corporations for money and he's Man of The Year.

   What's up with Melissa Gilbert's prison tattoos?

   I'm so full of Love I poot out Heart shape bubbles...<3 <3 <3 <3

   Be advised, if you read a status from me pertaining to driving, that I have safely pulled the vehicle safely off the road to update said status. Why? Because dying on the job wasn't in the contract. That is all

   Kind of shocked more professional fisherman aren't driving metal flaked vehicles as well.

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.