Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
"The term CRACKER offendes me" - nobody. 
People are judging you right now. you dont need everyone 2 like u. Its your people that matter. Those who dont give an F change the world. The rest do not. Do things that you consider embarrassing. Accept awkwardness. Refuse boundaries. Live.
Women are actually the biggest A$$holes.First they call you a ''Player" if you speak to other women then if you don't you're not a 'challenge and they call you "boring''.
You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?
it is "Poke a CNA" week, they have it rough, let's show them some love...
After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.
3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((
I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."
Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!
I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.
I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.
THINGS THAT ARE DAMN HARD TO FIND: 1. A phone on silent 2. Fat girl's clitoris 3. True love
Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.
What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?
Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(
I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Tiger Woods's win last weekend is a great reminder that sex addiction only affects your golf game for 923 days.
Their truck said "on site drug screening"..... those A$$holes wouldn't let me screen a single drug.. 