Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   Just came from the doctor. Got high score on the blood pressure machine. Doctor wouldn't high five me. Jerk.

   denied black olives on my white bread, while wearing a hoodie. I am declaring racial profiling!

   I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.

   I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.

   Spike Lee's next movie should be named "Do the Wrong Thing".

   Always change the channel before turning off the TV because expkauning the Playboy Channel and why two girls are kissing is hard at 7am

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.

   If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?

   My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?

   Judging by the fact that it is never happy with it's appearance and is always making cosmetic changes no matter how many times it is told it looks fine, I can only conclude that facebook is female.

   Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.

   If you really want to go green, start using BOTH sides of your toilet paper.

   The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop

   Didn we all love Kinder... where the hardest decision was picking a crayon

   I'd like to beat the life out of someone with a violin. That way I could be described as having been instrumental in their death

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!