Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO

   I'm not stupid enough to pay for phone sex. But my boss on the other hand....

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.

   My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..

   I just randomly chose 5 homes and placed "For Sale" "Open House Tonight at 6pm" signs in the front yards. Now I sit and wait for the fun to begin.

   Watched The Hunger Games. Got the munchies.

   fool me once shame on you..fool me twice Go F**K yourself!

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.

   Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.

   It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you're a demon who must be destroyed.

   People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.