Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl with 3 dogs: committed owner. Girl with 3 cats: committed lunatic.

   Dog's diary = me and my master played all day! Cat's diary = day 154 of captivity.

   I reckon that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   I just went to go visit Miss Cleo in prison so she could give me the winning mega million numbers. For five easy payments of $ 10 million dollars you too can have the numbers.

   Depending on whether I win the Mega Millions..... I'll either be having my birthday party this year at the Space Station or the local VFW. Standby

   Typically I'm not a fan of floors, but feed me plenty of Jack Daniels and I'm all about em!

   All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt.

   Dont you hate when a really fat guy wears a tight sweater and you can see the huge outline of his belly button. The diameter is large enough to fit a can of Pringles snugly in place.

   I MISS MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH!!!!! Can someone please tell me If the lettuce goes over, or under the ham!

   Why is it that is always your right nut that sticks to your right leg ?

   I was walking down a street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought.. "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson!

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   Gas prices are at an all time high. But the gov't is willing to up the mega millions jackpot to 640 million dollars. Someones priorities are F'ed up if you ask me.

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   I find it ironic that chicks are always attracted to a$$holes, but rarely agree to anal.