Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   If I hit the $500 Million remind me to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes

   psychology suggests that religious people are categorized in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. If you want to be sure, google it.

   Roses are red violets are blue...it's Friday night and I'm sick of stating the obvious to you

   F I win the..$US- 640 mega millions JACKPOT..Im Building a Death Star..well down payment to start it any ways..!!

   Oh so...they taking money made from Gas to give it to the winner of the MegaMillion Lottery!! Aint that some sh!t!!!

   Cab to go to bar: 30 dollars 4 rounds of beer to get your friend to tell you your ex is now a stripper: 70 dollars The look on your ex's face when you shove a single in her buttcrack: PRICELESS!

   My fantasy is having two men at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.

   If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!

   When I win the Mega-Millions, I'm going to buy so many dishes, pans and silverware That I never have to wash them again, just use them once and throw them away.

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   I get made fun of sometimes for being an ole dumb country boy but let me ask you something, when the economy finally falls what's gonna be more important to know? How to plant a garden, fish and hunt or knowing what then fancy opera singers is ah sayin?

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   It's national cleavage day. Let's honor this holiday ladies.....