Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanna know why I wasn't invited to the orgy last month. It must have been one hell of a good one with all the women announcing their pregnancy today!!

   OMG !! This Google Circles thing is the Shizznitt... - posted on Facebook.

   Tomorrow I'm calling Geico and saving 15%, then I'm calling Progressive and saving $475, then State Farm to save $540, then 21st Century to save $430 .... by the time I'm done, they should be owing me money!!!

   The crowd is huge at this year's Wrestlemania! But America's obesity problem is nothing to joke about.

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.

   I wish I was a gloworm,,, a gloworm's never glum,,, cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum

   First rule of Alzheimer's club:

   Best Facebook update yet: unfollow post. Because sometimes, I really don't care what 100 other people had to say about your post, I just wanted to leave a comment.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"

   Yea I saw the Hunger games, I'm not saying it sucked, but I believe I wasted 2.5 hours of my time and $10.50 seeing a sh*tastic movie that should never have been made

   My girlfriend wanted us to go out and have a romantic evening instead of me staying home and watching Wrestlemania....... She's getting good at this April fools thing.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.

   Every kiss begins with K, unless it's forced then it begins with R.

   'Love thy neighbor.' aka don't put a password on your damn WiFi.

   Unless your girlfriend is Rihanna, she doesn't love the way you lie.

   Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect!" Those who spelled spine became doctors....the rest of us went to airline school....

   To all the SINGLE MEN, GEEKS and Comic Book Nerds//// You lost out on Feb. 14 Valentine's Day.....You lost out on March 14 Steak and BJ Day ....BUT today is YOUR day....HAPPY PALM SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!