Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel a little better when I remember that Lady Gaga is just as scared of us, as we are of it.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

   for an April Fools joke, I walked into Walmart wearing a see thru mesh wife beater, cut off jeans and no shoes. Turns out 16 other dudes thought of the same joke.

   I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up

   How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   Dad to Mom: "You don't have to make me food today." Mom: "Really?" Dad: "Hell no. Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. April Fools!"

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   It's fitting to have Wrestlemania on April Fools Day..

   just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

   Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured

   When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

   My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.